Sunday, 18 December 2011


Breaking all my own rules again... This time with 48. No kissing. No sleepovers. That's how you get attached. Well i guess rules were made to be broken.

Before last night, he was like my best friend. One of the funniest people i have met - i have such a great love and appreciation for people who make me laugh. I have been able to tell him anything and share my adventures with him. He doesn't judge me and he just accepts me for me. He thinks Im rad just the way i am - that i don't need 'fixing'. But that unconditional acceptance is what does make me feel better.

I just had such a good night. I so needed it. Vodka, pizza, foxtel, 48. Best night.

He's just the best.

He has two kids the same age as Lucas and Bee. He gave me two Thomas trains that his son no longer plays with, for Lucas. One of them even blows steam. Im pretty excited and Im guessing Lucas will be so impressed he might spontaneously combust.

I can't wait to see him tomorrow and give it to him!

Im just really grateful to have someone as amazingly awesome as 48 in my life. Im grateful for having a night off and really relax. I feel better and refreshed. And as ready as i can be to deal with another week of dhs' shit!

Tuesday, 13 December 2011


Overall, today has been a good day.

I had a great meeting with my mental health case worker earlier in the day. She has been trying to contact the team leader at DHS for weeks now to no avail. And last Friday, at the care team meeting, he said that he had received no phone messages or emails from her. Strange that. She was not impressed at all. She said she was going down to DHS in person to speak to someone. I am so grateful to have such an understanding and supportive case worker. She is really going out of her way in contacting DHS because she thinks the kids should be home with me. She really doesn't have to chase up DHS at all - it is on them to contact her/psych services and follow up my mental health which hasn't been done at all.

After that visit, I sent an email to the Unit Manager at DHS 'reminding' them that it is not actually within the Department's authority under a CSO (the order my kids are on) to enrol my child/ren in a school and that decision can and will be made by made. I received a call in the afternoon from a worker that works alongside the Unit Manager that assured me that 'it was never the intention of the Department to override your guardianship rights'. Yes, yes, I didn't think so. I think the Department may need to remind a certain team leader of the scope of his authority under a CSO. You can try to intimidate me with talks of 'upper management' or guilt me by suggesting I am going against my son's 'best interests' - but that still doesn't give you the authority to enrol my son in school or to decide what school he will go to. So DHS are finally conceding that I will determine what school Lucas will go to and that the responsiblity of getting him to school everyday will rest with the Department. After all, I am just a crazy junkie whore. So a small victory - but at least the endless discussions about which school Lucas will attend are over (hopefully!) and DHS have formally agreed to fund the necessary assessment Lucas will need before he starts school. Getting there! Now we just need to actually work out a transport plan. The team leader was supposed to call me today which he didn't - no surprises there. But the lady I spoke today said she was going to make sure that he call me back as a matter of priority. So I will chase him up tomorrow afternoon.

The thing is, aside from my access visits with the kids, I don't actually do that much. So I have all the time in the freaking world to call and email DHS. And I think I might just keep doing that. I am sure 'upper management' do not want to hear from me every time I don't get a call back. I will make it my personal endeavour to make this team leader do his job. Because I can handle whatever DHS throw at me - cancel my meetings, call me mentally unstable, accuse me of prostituting myself, I really could not care less - but you harm my children and I can become very difficult to deal with. And the thing is, I don't get abusive or irrational, I just write strongly worded letters and remind them of the legislation that governs them, so they really can't ignore me. And if they do, as our team leader has hopefully learnt, I will just find someone higher up to complain to.

Downside of today, I got very jealous of something I really shouldn't have got jealous over. It was just such a yucky feeling. And I started my christmas shopping today which was good because you know, it is almost here. But I spent about $200 and still felt like I bought nothing. And I get this yucky feeling whenever I spend money. Ugh. But I am over that now :) The jealousy situation worked itself out and the shopping guilt passed.

Day 3 of not texting Shane. I still think about texting him a lot. But it is getting easier. It is definitely just a habit I need to break. The first day was definitely the hardest.

Tomorrow I see Lucas and Bee and Shane is supposed to bring Lincoln up as well. Must remember to hide these Christmas presents! And I have a meeting with my local member of parliament re DHS and an appointment with a lawyer later on tomorrow as well. Big day!

Overall, I am grateful that I have had a small win with DHS and that I had a good day. I am glad that I still have this fight in me and some way, some how, I can just keep going.

Monday, 12 December 2011


Today I am feeling good :)

I saw Lucas earlier this morning which was great. I love my boy! He is so funny. He just makes me so happy and proud. :)

After he went back to his carer, I bit the bullet, got all the paperwork together and enrolled Lucas in school. I just have to organise an immunisation certificate for him and get that to the school during the week.

I have also organised a meeting with an MP for Wednesday afternoon and sent my letter re DHS to the three ministers responsible for DHS in Victoria.

I am feeling tired - but proud of myself. It is the kind of tired you get from actually doing things!

This morning when i woke up, I didnt think I could do it. I didnt feel like I had enough sleep or time to recharge to keep on fighting this week. Because I know this week is just going to be another week of battling DHS. But I am doing it. I have enrolled Lucas in school, I will be chasing up DHS when they dont call me tomorrow LOL and I have appointments to keep this week about all this.

I am keeping on going even when I didnt think I could. And for that, I am grateful.

I feel exhausted but content that I am doing everything in my power to do what is in the best interests of my children.

Now I am going to eat something and watch some Breaking Bad - hopefully I will find the energy later on to change my sheets and do the dishes!


Feeling so slack with my blog and i don't like it lol.

It's almost 2am so ill make this quick.

Today Im grateful to have made another step in the journey towards getting over Shane.

I have been messaging him daily - checking in with Lincoln but also sharing our jokes and what's going on in my life. It was such a habit that i didn't even realise i was texting him everyday.

We aren't together. He's gotten over me. But Im still holding on to him any way i can - just to have him, even just a little, in my life.

Yesterday he was a jerk to me and i spiralled down rapidly. Then it hit me - like really hit me - yeah he's upsetting but Im giving him the power to do that. I still let him control my emotions.

Im very emotionally vulnerable and i should not give him control over my feelings. Getting control over my feelings is a work in progress. But removing the power from Shane to make or break me is urgent.

When he left, he was no longer part of my life. And since that day i have desperately held onto him. But today i made the choice. No more texting. Shane will no longer be a part of my life not out of necessity because he left but because i no longer want him to be.

If he doesn't want to be part of my life, then i need to stop wanting him to be.

So Im cutting him off. Going cold turkey. Just not texting. There will be contact between us re Lincoln. But Im going to try and organise the details of the next access in person during contact with Lincoln.

I can't make him love me or want to be with me. So i need to let him go. He chose not to be a part of my future so i need to leave him in the past.

I hate him for what he did but hate is just as strong as love. Im aiming for distance and indifference.

Just like with the older kids dad - i could hate him and yep sometimes i do. But i can't change the past - i can only protect my kids from him now.

It's the same with Shane i can't go back and undo the damage Shane has done to Lincoln. But in the future - the near future - i will rectify it.

So today Im moving on from Shane not because i have to but because i want to.

I have Lucas and Bee who love me and want to be home with me. That's what I've got to focus on.

So Im letting Shane go. Not having contact with him outside of access with Lincoln. Leaving feelings towards him in the past where they belong. My future is about me and my kids. That's what is important.

My first non Shane day in god knows how long and Im still here. Six months ago, i didn't think i could live without Shane. But i can and i will. Things will always get better and easier.

Saturday, 10 December 2011


I have had a crap week.

I have been fighting and fighting.

When Shane left, I had nothing left. I was completely empty and defeated.

Slowly I have been rebuilding some of that... well I guess, resilence in me. But I am nowhere near 'full'.

I had a little bit to give this week - battling DHS has taken all that and more. Seeing Lincoln and Shane today was more than i could take.

I came back home earlier than expected because I just couldnt handle it. I just wanted and felt i needed 24 hours of sleep. Just to check out of real life.

Of course as soon as I came home, I was wide awake and didnt feel like sleeping.

Against my better judgment I had a drink. I got halfway through and realised I was more depressed. Then something made me laugh.

Since that moment, I have had a few drinks and been online chatting with friends, laughing and sharing some of the best and most annoying songs of the 90s. It is not how I saw my night going. But omg, it has been entertaining.

So, to my gorgeous facebook friends and those who have entertained me tonight, i thank you with everything i have. because i didnt think i could go on. i was just 'spent'. i had nothing else to give.

but you made me smile, you made me laugh and you made me remember a much simpler time (the 90s when i thought everything was so hard!) Thank you. Every night I get through is a victory and i could not have done it tonight without you xoxox

Friday, 9 December 2011

I don't have enough time...

Feeling so under pressure. I don't have enough freaking time to do anything. I can't stand it when people ask what i do with my time if i don't have the kids. I don't fucking know but Im always doing something.

Im freaking tired. But i can't ever sleep. I don't have the time to sleep in or to be tired. Im always freaking exhausted or running on empty. I also don't have time to be hot or deal with hayfever.

I've got so much to do this weekend and i can't even think straight to get it all organised. I just want it to be over with and go back to bed.

Im so over this.

Wednesday, 7 December 2011


Wow, last night I crashed hard. I think all the emotional build up of the day just wore me down and I ended up a blubbering ball of tears. But I had a good sleep, woke up relatively recharged and ready to take on the world again :)

I had a great visit with Lucas and Bee today :) They showed up with some artwork from kinder which was just so gorgeous! Bee had done a painting of a christmas tree (which looked nothing like a christmas tree!) and Lucas had framed drawing of me. Absolutely love my kids artwork :) Makes me so happy and proud!! We went to the park and to McDonalds today. And they were really good and msotly happy today - sometimes the joint visits don't go so well because they are competing for attention. I love the way my kids genuinely crack me up. They are so funny and such little characters.

After the visit, I headed into town and bought myself some new make up as a treat, which I have been wanting to do for ages! I tried to call the team leader and unit manager at DHS to no avail. So I went down there, and asked for the name of the next person up. They sent down the unit manager's p.a who took my name and number for the team leader to call me back.

I am not abusive or agressive when dealing with DHS - despite how infuriating they are. I have just had enough of them slow walking me and dragging their heels when it comes to providing for my kids. So I have just become more persistent. I want to see my kids on Christmas. I want Lucas to be enrolled in the school I have chosen for him and a plan in place to ensure he gets there every day. I also want DHS to organise and fund the language assessment he needs and to provide him with a child psychologist.

These are not big demands - I know they are under-resourced and are just in shambles because of the industrial action, I get it, I really do. But it is not acceptable that my children be negatively affected or be disadvantaged because they don't have the resources or the workers are on strike.

So by some miracle, the team leader actually called me back and we have a meeting Friday morning. Squeaky wheel does get the grease. This team leader does not call ANYONE back lol!

So today I am thankful for a great visit with my gorgeous kids and grateful that my team leader actually found time in his hectic schedule to call me back and arrange a meeting. Most likely, no progress will be made at this meeting and Im not exactly holding my breath for any huge development. But a call-back is a small victory - and I am going to take it!

Bethany and I are going to make strawberry muffins tomorrow so I am looking forward to that :)

Im going to do the dishes now, have a shower and a bit later on, Mr McDonalds is coming to see me. All in all a successful day :D

Tuesday, 6 December 2011


Today I am very grateful that I have such an awesome mental health case manager. She is easy to talk and supportive. She is really understanding and knows I have areas I need to improve in, but has faith that I can do it. I first met her on the CAT Team when I was in crisis in June and now she works in case management. She has said that she can definitely see that I have progressed from back then and am capable of having my kids back home. So that makes me really happy.

Today's meeting with DHS was no-go. But it was breaking point for me. Not as in, I give up, I can't go on. But as in enough is enough. I stormed out of DHS and into legal aid, the community legal centre and to my local MP's office. Absolutely had enough. And instead of losing my shit at the DHS workers (which is not really even possible seeing as they dont even show up to the meetings!) I am putting that anger and that energy into taking this further.

I have got an appointment with my MP next Wednesday and an appointment with a lawyer,  as well.

I am really happy and pleased that I have got this burst of motivation. While at DHS, I just wanted to break down and cry. But I used that despair and hopelessness and turned it around and walked right over to legal aid.

This shouldn't even be a big deal. It is such a small issue. I want Lucas to go to a certain school that I feel is best able to cater to his needs. The foster carer is unwilling or unable to get him there each day. Now, seeing as he is on a Custody to the Secretary order which leaves major decisions to me (such as school choice) and the day to day care of the child to DHS, if there is something that the carer can't provide then it is on DHS to pick up the slack.

Now if DHS are unwilling and unable to provide this - and given that it is in the best interests of Lucas to go to this school - then I feel that DHS either get him to school each day or they send him home and I will do it.

It is getting beyond a joke. It is Decemeber and Lucas isn't even enrolled in school. Enough is enough.

I am also BEYOND grateful for everyone's support today when I was having a meltdown re DHS and for everyone that is has gone out of their way to read my letter and offer their advice and insight. I appreciate it so so much!!

Monday, 5 December 2011


Today I am feeling pretty average - not bad and nothing is especially 'wrong' - just not estastic with life right now.

I am feeling a bit tired from the weekend and a bit anxious about a meeting with DHS tomorrow. Also I think the reality that Christmas is coming is actually finally starting to set in - so I am facing the stress of buying presents and affording everything and actually trying to see my kids on Christmas Day.

I feel like there is so much I want and need to do - primarily enrol Lucas in school, get Christmas organised, write to my member of Parliament about all the ridiculousness that is DHS and talk to someone at Legal Aid and try to get family court orders in place so I can have Lincoln back.

It is all so much and I am so overwhelmed to the point of doing nothing.

But I did see Lucas today and I had a great time with my little buddy. He is so smart and cute and my God, he makes me laugh. He just makes me so happy and so proud. I just want the world for him! So I am grateful for that and I do like Monday visits cos our supervisor is really good too.

So with all the stress of DHS, family court, trying to get Lucas enrolled for school and the pressure that is Christmas - I am still grateful for my access with lucas today which went really well :)


Well technically it is the 5th by now!

Im just having one of those days today. Nothing majorly bad has happened but nothing has gone right lol. Everything today has been an epic fail.

Im grateful still because i actually have a really good friend in #48 - i genuinely enjoy hanging out with him. He makes me laugh and takes me as i am.

Im grateful for my awesome Facebook friends who i know i mention all the time but god knows where i would be without them and their ongoing support.

Im grateful that i get to see my Lucas tomorrow. Im a bit sad because Lincoln pretty much cried the whole time i visited him and isn't comforted by me and settled an hour after i left. That hurts a lot but Im trying to focus on looking forward to seeing Lucas tomorrow.

So there is crap and stress and general unpleasantness, but Im grateful that this is just one bad day. Things will get better. Tomorrow will be better. And above all else, i remind myself and Im grateful for the fact - this too shall pass.

Sunday, 4 December 2011

3/12/11 - catching up!!

I skipped a day and feel all out of whack!!

Stayed in Melbourne Friday night, saw baby Lincoln Saturday then stayed the night at #48's house last night.

I am having a pretty awesome weekend so far.

I am grateful to have my dad who i can hang out with and talk to about the drama that is my life! And to have him help out when he can. And for letting me crash on the couch every weekend i come down to see Lincoln.

Im grateful for my older sister who drove me out to see Lincoln then
Out to #48's house.

I had an awesome night with #48. Vodka, pizza, foxtel = awesome. And he's just so funny. And appreciates my sexual adventures and thinks Im awesome the way i am. I didn't think id actually make a friend in amongst all my conquests lol.

Sitting at narre warren station now. Hanging for a coffee!! Got a few things to do -including adding #52- to my list then Im heading to bendigo and spending the night with #51!

Busy but great weekend! :-)

Friday, 2 December 2011


Today I am hurting.

Last night I was a ridiculous roller coaster of emotion.

I have become way too attached to Mr McDonalds. And was crying because I missed him so much.

Then the next minute I was laughing so much I was in tears again because of something funny on the internet.

And then the next minute I was raging because Virgin are the most ridiculous mobile phone provider in the entire country and cannot provide simple reception or internet access.

It takes me til past 2am to get to sleep - not because I am not tired, I am more than ready to fall asleep - but my heart won't stop freaking racing because I miss Mr McDonalds so much and want him there beside me.

Then I have a dream Shane got a new girlfriend *heartbreak* and then I wake up way before I need to, because a lawn mower next door.

I cannot catch a freaking break and I just want some sleep. But I am constantly exhausted because it takes hours to fall asleep at night, have terrible dreams so I don't actually get restful sleep, then I wake up either cos I need to or some fuckwit decides now is a great time to do some early morning gardening.

I don't have kids to wake up to and I don't have anything to do til I head to Melbourne a bit later on but for gods sake, I just want to be able to function.

I miss Shane. I miss my kids. I miss Mr McDonalds. My heart is just aching. My heart is racing and I cannot relax. I'm sad or ragingly angry. I don't have any patience.

And I am thinking I have a UTI and seriously it is just the final straw. I have this ridiculous pain on my right side and I just cannot be bothered.

Looking back, there is nothing 'major' wrong - but it is heaps of little things, missing the ones I love and having an incomptent phone service provider - that is just sending my emotions into overdrive and I am already just exhausted.

So, not an entirely positive post from me this morning. And aside from being thankful that things aren't worse, I am not feeling very 'grateful' this morning. But I am going to try and look forward to the positives.

I am going to finish my cup of tea, I am going to have a shower, pack my things, head to Melbourne. I am going to have a smooth, peaceful train ride listening to music. And I am going to have a coffee date with my little sister which I am looking forward to. And then tomorrow I am going to see baby Lincoln.

Things will get better. And they will get better soon. Just keep swimming.

Thursday, 1 December 2011


With lots of Christmas cheer in the air with it being the first of the month, I feel rather unprepared and will continue to live in denial that Christmas in coming for as long as I can! So don't expect Christmas related posts from me!!

Today I am grateful that I woke up next to one of the sexiest men in the world - my Mr McDonalds. I made the mistake of falling in love with him a few weeks back - occupational hazard of sleeping around I guess, I am bound to slip up at one stage.

He is gorgeous, funny and as much as he resists, can be very sweet and lovely.

I'm in love with him. He isn't looking for a relationship - depsite how clearly awesome I am. So rather than focus on that, I will just enjoy that I got to have cuddles with him all night and woke up next to him this morning. And it truly was a great way to start my day.

Now I am just waiting for my Bethany to arrive for access <3

Wednesday, 30 November 2011


Given the events of the last 24 hours and that I have deleted, restored, deleted, restored, I really have had time to reflect on life and how I got to this point in my life.

I have acquired this freakazoid skitzo stalker - one of the perils of online dating, I suppose - and he wants to ruin my life - 'destroy' me, in fact. This of course, initially instilled fear in me as such a threat naturally would, but then I realised what exactly is there left of my life to destroy.

Here is a quick summary of factors that have 'ruined' my life, to date- and this is in an effort to save the aforementioned stalker the effort of airing all my dirty laundry, as I am sure he has a very busy schedule of freaking women out via the internet.

I was conceived in effort to trap my Dad into a relationship and to raise and provide for my three older siblings. That is where my usefulness to my mother ended. I grew up rejected for existing and blamed for ruining her life. As I got older, it got worse. I grew up in a house of alcohol abuse, emotional abuse and physical abuse. I obviously have rejection issues (to put it mildly) and have this 'hero complex' where I want to be rescued by men because I feel my dad didnt do a enough to protect me as a child.

When I was fifteen, I got into a relationship with a man ten years my senior. This obviously caused issues with the parentals. They reported it to the police, got intervention orders in my name and locked me up in an adolescent psych ward for a week (as you do). After my stint in the whack shack, I discovered I was pregnant. Given the police investigation, I was coerced into having an abortion - something I disagree with on a moral level and definitely not something I wanted to do in this circumstance. The police charges were dropped (due to lack of evidence) and the intervention orders ran out on my 17th birthday.

I fell pregnant with my son Lucas at the end of year 12 and I was estatic but it obviously came with it's dramas. I was induced at 41 weeks at the Royal Women's Hospital which was an epic fail culminating in an emergency c-section under general anaesthetic. My mother tried to steal Lucas from me when he was two weeks old and have me 'committed' again. I left home that night and lived with Lucas' father, Ben.

It took til my first bank statement to arrive at that address for his gambling problem to become apparent. The majority of my $3000 baby bonus went down the pokies.

When Lucas was six months old, my parents (who had not seen Lucas since he was 2 weeks old) made a false report to the police and child protection that Ben had beaten up Lucas. A police officer came to our house at 3am, requested we undress Lucas to his nappy and did a full inspection of him. There wasn't a mark on him and the 'investigation' went no further. But that didn't stop my drug addicted sister and her deadbeat boyfriend rocking up on my door step the next morning, trying to steal Lucas and assaulting Ben in front of two police officers. Intervention orders against my sister and dad followed.

When my daughter Bethany was six months old, she ended up on life support with bleeding on the brain. We were accused of shaking her and while she was in hospital, Lucas was removed from our care. She ended up needing two lots of surgery and on the date of her second surgery, I was in Children's Court -alone- defending allegations that I had assaulted and nearly killed my own child. In the end, after a full examination involving a full body x-ray to look for old fractures etc, it was determined by some professor or something, that in fact we had not harmed Bethany.

Fast forward, things start to fall apart between Ben and I. He is a useless father and he was getting slacker with covering up his gambling. He racked up a whole lot of credit card debt in my name and defaulted on a car loan also in my name. Our arguments escalated into domestic violence which the police laughed off and dismissed every single time I called. The breaking point came when Ben had taken all my money and I didn't have enough formula for Bethany for the day. If it hadn't been for free sachets from the health nurse that day, our baby would have gone hungry.

I left Ben in June 2008. He was arrested trying to break into someone's house in August 2008. He was bailed and breached his bail in December 2008. We visited him in prison until one day we were told he had been moved to protection and that he could have no contact with children under 16.

He did not see his children til September 2010.

In January 2009, the children and I moved to Bendigo. On January 28 2009, I was raped in my own home by a member of the Legislative Council. I tried to kill myself for the first time in March 2009. Getting word that I was going to press charges against him, this politician got an intervention order against me in April 2009. It was thrown out of court the day of the hearing because I had a phone full of text messages from him saying all the dirty things he wanted to do to me. I tried to kill myself again in April and twice in October. The children were never in the house at the time I overdosed and were always in appropriate and safe care.

In the middle of all this, some psychotic bitch from a mother's group I was briefly a part of lodged a false complaint with police that I had 'keyed' her car. Apart from being questioned by police, the matter didn't go any further.

I had my children removed from my care in October 2009. I had an extensive psychological evaluation and was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

Lucas and Bethany were returned to my care in September 2010 and I was in a relationship with the man of my dreams, Shane. Ben tried to see the children every weekend. DHS intially said he could have them every weekend in Melbourne over night as 'respite' for me. I explained there is no way in hell that my children would be given unsupervised access with a sex offender who hadnt seen them in over a year, least of all 150kms away from me. He intermittently saw them every weekend supervised by his mother for four hours. He was inappropriate and incompetent, even when 'supervised' and a lodged a complaint with DHS after every access visit. It all came to a head on Christmas day and weekend access was stopped and he was only allowed to see them supervised, at DHS, during the week. He has not seen them since Christmas Day.

So I fell pregnant with Lincoln, my kids were home and Shane and I were engaged. It was perfect. Then the baby was born and everything fell apart. Shane seemed to lose the plot a bit and when my newborn baby was 6 weeks old, Shane took off with my baby. Long story very short, Shane's Dad committed suicide when Shane was 10, his mum worked three jobs to provide for her boys, Shane feels indebtted to her, Shane's mum always wanted more kids and there we have it: a perfect way for Shane to 'repay' his Mum. My baby boy. It is sick and twisted.

I didnt see that baby for a month. I know get to see him twice a week for four hours 'supervised'.

I called the police and DHS on the day this happened but they didn't give a fuck. And why should they? I later found out that Shane planned this all in advance and even gave DHS the heads up so they could come check up on ME!

So I put the kids in voluntary foster care, try unsuccessfully to kill myself - again.

Then I have to concede that I, in fact, have to deal with being alive. So I turn to drinking, sex and self harm just to deal with reality.

Shane was the 26th boy I have had sex with, I am now up to 51. I have done my fair share of slutting around - and hell, there were quite a few freaks in amongst those numbers, too.

So cut to the present day, I am getting back on track. The issues I am currently facing are a incompetent Department of Human Services on strike, no solid plan for reunification, my children being in a placement with seven other children with a carer who can't be bothered taking Lucas to the school I legally retain the right to enrol him in and I have to deal with the fact that the needs of my autistic son are simply not being met. On top of that, I have to fight this department CONSTANTLY to stop a registered sex offender, who has made NO effort to contact me about the kids welfare or even send a card for their birthdays and who complains about having to pay off his $2000 child support debt at $40 a fortnight (which has now stopped altogether), having unsupervised contact with my children.

And you know what, I am still fucking here. I have spent more time in family court, childrens court and in meetings with DHS, fighting for my children who I have never harmed or neglected in any way, shape or form, to be home with me, where they belong. I have Borderline Personality Disorder which is one of the most self-destructive disorders I have ever come across that isn't treatable by medication. And I have a seven month old baby boy who I have not seen for two weeks who is growing up without me.

So, buddy, if you think you can 'ruin' my life - go right ahead. Because if none of the crap I have dealt with from the moment I was born hasn't killed me. Then I doubt any 'dirt' you have on me that you may have gathered in the week that you have 'known' is going to make an impact. Sure it might be entertaining to watch you try, but you are really the least of my concern.

So today, I am grateful that I am still here. That I have three gorgeous children who mean everything to me. That even though I feel defeated sometimes, I still have some fight in me left. I will always fight for my children and what is best for them. Always. Nothing will ever stop me fighting to have them home, to have them safe, happy and healthy and at the educational instituions I deem appropriate. I will always fight to keep them safe from sex offenders and anyone who tries to remove them from my care. I will always do the what I think is best and try my hardest to cater for and manage Lucas' additional needs. I'm not a perfect person and I am far from the perfect parent - but it cannot be denied that I love my children and always -regardless of any circumstance- try to do what I feel is best for them.

I'm still here. I'm still fighting. And sometimes it is damn hard to even get out of bed in the morning. But I will be damned if DHS, or a registered sex offender or god help me, some guy on the internet, is going to ruin my life. But if you want to try - bring it the fuck on.

Tuesday, 29 November 2011


I am having a fairly positive day today. Yesterday was a great day but my night was ruined by having arguments with three different fucktards at the same time. But today has been better. I had a meeting with my case manager earlier and she is going to advocate for me to have my kids back with DHS. It won't mean I will get them back, tomorrow, but at least I have someone on my side as opposed to my fucktard case manager prior to this who had a hard-on for me being an alcoholic. So having a mental health professional on my side, is something I am very grateful for.

Also I am grateful for the people in my life who make me laugh on a daily basis. Laughter is so truly the best medicine. In my April Mums group are some of the most hilarious people I have ever come across in my life. God, they make me laugh. And my older sister and younger sister - hilarious. I love Mel's adventures and daily awkwardness and Gen's general FML-ness plus updates on Dad. And there is #48 who is the only person left I can share my sexual adventures with. He is one of the funniest people I have ever met. Absolutely has me in stiches via text. And then there is Shane - who I should hate, and let's be honest, I do - but goddamn it if he isn't the funniest person I have ever met. Sometimes I hate his ability to always make me laugh.

And lastly today, I am thankful for some good news a friend received today about her health. So relieved. I didn't know I could care about someone I had never even met until I grew attached to all these people on Facebook. So happy - she deserves peace, good health and all the best in life. I know, I would be lost without her and her ongoing support. Hearing her good news made my day!

Now I am off to chill for the rest of the day - I am determined to have an early night today, but I do say that every night! I get to Lucas, Bee and Lincoln tomorrow! Can't wait.

Monday, 28 November 2011


Today this is what I am grateful for:

My Lucas and Bethany <3 They are so precious. With my moods up and down and all over the place and varying not only from day to day but hour to hour, I appreciate the moments of stability, peace and happiness - especially when they coincide with time with my kids.

Joint access visits often don't go as smoothly as the individual contacts as they are often competitive and Lucas who has autism, really struggles with Bee not acting the way he expects/wants or needing to compete for my attention. But today was lovely.

They were *mostly* well beahved - aside from a mishap where Bee almost accidentally drank from Lucas' cup! We made a cake together - and they co-operated beautifully and shared the tasks involved with that. We made lego together - that is when I really missed Shane or at least resented him for walking out on us, damn you Shane - I suck at lego and building train tracks!! Bee helped me do some dishes while Lucas finished off his cake and she helped me put some washing on. So bonus - I am making inroads on the housework. To finish off with we watched some of a Wiggles DVD til Lucas announced he wanted to go home (about ten minutes early) because Wabaloo (?) starts at 1 o'clock! LOL! The kid has the entire programming of ABC kids memorised!

So today I am thankful that I had an enjoyable time with both my kids and the visit went relatively smoothly. Love love love them <3

Now I'm off to have a shower, hang out the washing and if I am feeling super motivated, put away the dishes and clean some more!

Hope you are all having a wonderful day <3

Sunday, 27 November 2011

What could have been..

I have never done a post with photos but while I am here feeling sorry for myself, I thought I would share!
This is my engagement ring! I miss it soooo much! My finger still feels lighter without it.

This would have been my wedding ring to match.

And in a world where money was not an issue, this would have been my wedding dress! Love love love it!! <3 Ahhh... let a girl dream!

Well thanks for reading along and letting me share! <3 


Today I am enjoying part two of my blissful weekend full of sleep, relaxation, junk food and nothingness. I have spent so much time sleeping and it has been delightful and the most human interaction I have had is with the girl at maccas when I was ordering my food yesterday! I am a bit of a hermit so I do enjoy it when I can just stay at home, in my own little world, shut off from the outside world. Of course, the exception to this is my Facebook world! I could not live without the people on there! They are amazing <3

So today I am grateful for the excessive amount of sleep I have been able to have, a weekend of peace and all the wonderful people on my facebook who genuinely care about me, support me and have proven to have my back time and time again.

Even though I am feeling content today - not estatically happy, which is great at the time but often leads to a huge crash - there are some not-so-great reminders of today.

Today - the 27th of November - was the day I was supposed to marry Shane. It is taking all of my willpower not to message him and remind him of this fact, because really what would that achieve? I can picture Lucas and Bethany all dressed up and little Lincoln - oh how gorgeous! I can picture walking down the aisle to Shane. I can picture the dress, and the ring - it was going to match my engagement ring. God I miss my engagement ring. But, alas, here I am sitting on my couch with none of my children with me and definitely lacking a fiance/husband. It doesn't make me that sad but it does make you think of what could have been.

Also, and this is a little bit more sad than the not-wedding, today makes 8 years since my baby Noah was taken from me. I don't want to think about it too much cos it will make me sad. But I will always think of him on the 27th of November. I will never forget him.

It does however make me grateful for the babies I do have, earthside. Especially my little Lucas - my 'replacement' baby.

It renews my strength and courage to fight to have him get the best education and get him home again where he needs to be.

Now, I am going to go back to burying my head in the sand, live in a blissful state of denial til at least tomorrow morning when I see my boy. I am going to finally watch 'The Adjustment Bureau' which I have been meaning to do since yesterday!

Saturday, 26 November 2011


Well here i am once again posting from the local McDonalds. My tummy is full of a double quarter pounder and bacon. Yes, Maccas certainly is my happy place!

I woke up yesterday morning with conjuctivitis which is just fantastic. It's not terribly bad but it means i can't see baby Lincoln this weekend. And Lincoln was sick during the week with a cough/cold so Shane wasn't able to bring him up here during the week. I miss my bubba! But hopefully Shane will bring him up this Wednesday for a visit with Lucas and Bee.

So with a weekend with zero plans and the beyond convenient discovery of five valium on top of my fridge, i have decided to have a lazy weekend. Seeing as i have the sleep patterns of a vampire, i am constantly tired. So this weekend, i am sleeping!

This opportunity to catch up on sleep, when it feels like I've spent weeks racking up a huge sleep debt, i am very grateful for.

I've got a full tummy. Im going to go home and watch The Adjustment Bureau and eat chocolate. Then Im going to dose up and sleep for as long as i can.

No boys, no booze, no mischief for me this weekend. Just catching up on sleep and enjoy doing nothing. No pressure and total relaxation. Bliss! It really is the simple things in life! :-)

Friday, 25 November 2011


Seeing as I've got a few minutes before my meeting with dhs and afterwards Im not likely to be grateful for anything much.... What i am grateful for today is the five left over valium i found on top of my fridge last night. Very happy and excited. Have been needing some for so long (see: having an anxiety attack everytime i have to go to bed alone and sober). And after hopefully find out 'case direction' from dhs, i suspect i need one or two!

Thursday, 24 November 2011


Just a quick one from me today....

Today Im grateful for coffee.

And Im very grateful for getting my own way and having #50 as #50. Very happy.

And Im grateful that i can see through Andrew's pathetic games. And know Im better than that.

And Im so incredibly grateful that there are people interested and supportive of my sexual adventures. Lol it's a good alternative to gossiping with all the girlfriends i don't have!

Im off to conquer #51. Have a lovely night y'all!

Wednesday, 23 November 2011


Today i am grateful that i have been paid! Almost out of cash already - must ask for some sort of raise from Centrelink. But I've got maccas in my belly, coffee in my hand, chocolate - i mean groceries on their way and a collection of anti histamines.

I am also very grateful for the people that read this blog and take an interest in my life.

I don't know if Im grateful yet... But Im hopeful that Mr 50 will come see me tonight :-)

Today was a bit lackluster - i was hoping to achieve a lot more than i have but there have still been some positives *sips coffee*

Tuesday, 22 November 2011


Today I am grateful for a few things.

First and foremost,I am glad a gorgeous friend of mine, Erin, is okay. I was a bit worried about her ealier and people were struggling to contact her. So I am very relieved that she is okay!

Secondly, I am grateful that I have been allocated a new mental health case manager who is lovely, understanding and most importantly, able to do her job. I had lunch with her today and it was really nice. She is easy to talk to and doesn't doesn;t criticise me or 'dob' on me unnecessarily to DHS. So I am optimistic about the future with her.

Thirdly, I am beyond grateful for the people in my life who go the extra mile and understand me. And yes, most of these people are on Facebook. I could thank them every day for the rest of my life and it still wouldn't be enough. I have so much gratitude and love for these people who are there day in, day out, checking in with me and offering me support and love. Being able to rely on these people makes a huge difference in my life. I am totally myself on Facebook - and to be accepted, is a great feeling. I love that my spam is appreciated. I love waking up to notifications, private messages and wall posts of people just sending me love or letting me know that they are thinking of me. It means the world - and then some.

I appreciate that there are people out there that take the time to get to know me and understand me. People that have know obligation to support me and have a lot of stuff going on in their own lives. I feel very priviledged to know a lot of my facebook friends and have their support.

BPD is a complex and difficult to treat disorder. And I understand that people often get frustrated that they can't 'fix' me or that I don't just 'get better'. I know I have lots of cycles and my life is largely 'two steps forward, one step back'. I know also, that a lot of my behaviour is confronting, confusing and difficult to comprehend, for some.

I appreciate those out there who try to understand the reasons behind my behaviour - not condone or support it, but understand. It really means a lot. I know I am difficult to deal with, hell I hate dealing with me some times.

But overall, I know I am gradually making progress. My psychologist used to talk about a spectrum of self-harm. So while my actions at the moment may not be ideal in the eyes of some, I feel that overall I am in a better place than 6 months ago.

But a huge huge huge thank you to each and every person out there, who has stood by me while I crash and burn over and over. Thank you to everyone who keeps helping me build up the pieces. You have a love and patience for me that I dont even have for myself. And I truly appreciate it.

Monday, 21 November 2011


Today I am grateful for my son. Lucas is five years old and has autism. I want to try and avoid sounding cliche but he truly is a miracle and a blessing. I was coerced into having an abortion when I was 15 years old - something that always (and still does) haunt me. I wanted my baby back the second I woke up from the procedure. I fell pregnant with Lucas in the first month I was 'allowed' to conceive. I have never in my life experienced a moment of true bliss like I did when I got my positive pregnancy test. It was pure joy and ecstacy. Of course I came down from that 'high' and had to face that I was pregnant at 17, in year 12 to a man who my parents hated.

A lot of teenagers may freak out at discovering they were pregnant at such an age and at such a time in their life, but for me, it felt like I had been holding my breath for two years and I could finally exhale. I could finally relax, let go of that huge, overwhelming desire to have my baby back and then focus on my exams and study. By the time my exams started, I was suffering morning sickness. I was throwing up every morning before going to exams that lasted up to three hours. The whole time I was starving hungry and praying I wouldn't through up during my exams. My ENTER score (which is called something totally different now) was 95.35. I studied hard and put in lots of effort but there is no way I could have focused or achieved that without my little Lucas growing in my belly.

I am not going to recap his whole life and all the joy he has brought me but he does bring me so much happiness and pride. And happiness especially with my disorder is something very rare for me to experience.

My mother often yelled at me that I had autism because I have a few of the traits but never did anything about it.

Lucas had a speech delay when he was younger and has shown more and more austistic traits as he has grown up.

It has been hard to deal with at times, especially as he is a very tense and stressed out little tyke. But I get him. I get that the world is overwhelming, scary and hard to deal with. I want to help him - not fix him. I want to prepare his kinder, his school, his world for him - rather than force him to adapt to an environment he can't handle.

Having a child with a diagnosis that I may possibly share, has deepened our connection and bond. I feel so close to him. The love, the bond, the understanding I have with him runs so deep.

He is a little genius. He is so smart and so clever. And it is all him. And I am so proud.

He is so funny. He makes me laugh.

I love his kisses, cuddles and snuggles.

He was the best baby when he was first born. And I honestly think he saved my life.

I am truly grateful to have Lucas to call my own. He has added to my life in a way I never thought possible. To have the bond and connection we have, is ... I don't even know the words anymore. But I feel truly lucky.

I love him. I want the best for him. I want the world to see how clever he is and how much potential he has. He truly is an amazing little dude. And I am grateful that he is my son.

Sunday, 20 November 2011


Getting in early for this one. The thing I am grateful for today and everyday in fact, is my wonderful Facebook friends. I honestly wish I could live in my computer with them lol. They provide me with ongoing support, companionship and entertainment when I need it most and when I would otherwise be alone and isolated. For someone that struggles to make and keep friends in real life and who struggles to leave the house, this online company is invaluable. I try to make it known how much I love my Facebook friends especially those I interact with frequently, but I don't know if I will ever be able to convey how close to my heart they truly are and how much of a positive impact they have had on my life. They have been there through so much of my life, mostly with unrelenting support and advice. For someone that is constantly falling down, it means so much to have this group of people be there to help me pick up the pieces, regroup and keep going. I honestly don't know how I could have got through the last 5 months without the support of my online friends - especially those from BubHub and my fellow April Mummies. I just wish I could meet all of you and give you a huge hug! I know it seems kind of sad to be so focused on this online 'community' of sorts but those people who are there for me consistently, who allow me to also be part of their lives and who tolerate my spam, are a huge part of my life and support base. So to each and every one of you who has made an effort to support me, listen to me and be there for me, especially over the last five months - I truly appreciate it. I love you and I wish I could show you how much it means to me to have you in my life <3

Saturday, 19 November 2011


Today I am grateful for having amazing Facebook friends whose ongoing support and entertainment I'd be lost without. I very grateful for coffee. I am grateful for music to keep me occupied on my train trips. And i'm grateful that i'm off to see my baby boy this morning! <3 Life is far from perfect but I'm grateful for all the good in today! :-)

Friday, 18 November 2011

Back here again...

I am starting another blog - I am pretty sure I deleted my other one? - in an effort to think of and document something positive and something to be grateful for every day. I have Borderline Personality Disorder and a lot of the time my world is in chaos and all doom and gloom. I hope through this I can have an 'outlet' and a place to reflect and remind myself that there is some positive in this world that often overwhelms me. I hope to update this daily.

Today, I am grateful because my faith in humanity has been restored. A group of mums who were joined by the fact they had babies in the same month this year, united to help one of their own who was struggling financially.  Those who could contribute gave what they could. It was such a heart warming moment to see this Mum receive this gift from a group of women from all over Australia, most of whom she hadn't met before. The feeling of giving something with no expectation of anything in return, is truly a remarkable feeling.

With so much negativity in the world and the loss of the 'village' that once existed, it was definitely a 'warm and fuzzy' moment to be part of this group who were able to help this other mum out. This selfless act of generosity truly restored my faith that there is some good in the world.