Im feeling bored, empty and unfulfilled tonight.
It is hard to explain how hard boredom is to deal with for someone with bpd. It's not just having nothing to do - cos i.can easily do nothing. It's the emptiness and loneliness that comes with it. As well as the inevitable depression.
Though it does make for a nice change for intense feelings of pain, anger, panic and rejection. This is definitely a more sedate feeling.
I think what makes borderlines so fascinating for others is that they are always seeking something more. Chasing the high. Wanting more, more, more. Bored husbands in a sex less marriage love a borderline for a bit for the thrill the excitement but then return to reality. Leaving the borderline rejected and hurting and seeking to fill the void. The married man was just an example. It happens constantly with friends irl - love the fun.and excitement and intensity for a bit but then it all becomes too much and the borderline is abandoned.
People with bpd constantly make themselves vulnerable and give their all - hoping someone will see that and return it. This rarely happens. Leaving exhaustion and hurt behind. Borderlines often wish they could walk away from themselves as easily as others do to.them.
But other timed bpd is the only constant and the only comfort. Sometimes it's the enemy that needs to be fought and beaten. But sometimes it's your only friend - sabotaging, destructive, miserable friend.
No real point to this post. Just thinking, thinking, thinking. Always thinking. I never stop. Probably why i try to self medicate and try to numb myself.
Lying in bed thinking, slightly tired, but bored. And hungry. I've eaten enough today but my body wants maccas. I hate this new comfort eating thing. I can't afford it and it's making me fat.
Im sad without my maccas. Completely sober cos i have no orange juice to drink with my vodka.
Miserable. Alone. Bored.
Surely there has got to be more than this.
