I dont want to be her...

I dont want to be like her. I hate her. She ruined me; my life. She gave me life, she gave me this disorder.

I dont want to be her. I want to be so much better than her.

Yet here I am. Drunk and listening to music. Only differnece is that im not traumatising my kids in the process. I hate her. I cant wait til she dies.

I want to be so much better than her. I know I am. I want so much better for my kids than I had.

What I wouldnt give to have my Lucas here with me now though. I need him - just as much as he needs me, if not more. What I wouldnt give just to cuddle up to him right now. have a sleepover.

I made so much wrong choices. I have become everything I dont want to be.