Saturday, 7 January 2012

I hate my mother

I have so much to say - and most likely, it will come out as drunken dribble.

So today I got in trouble for giving the baby-stealer a hickey. I kissed his neck. And left a tiny mark. It was literally an accident. And to me, it looked red but not like it had left a mark. On the train home, I got a message saying 'You gave me a hickey. I asked you not to' Now aside from the fact, I did not mean to - this clearer demonstrated that B.S (baby-stealer) was horrified at having a hickey cos people (his ridiculous mother, family and friends) might know that he was sleeping with me. How embarrassing for him. I just replied that i didnt mean to and didnt realise that I had.

I cannot explain how that made me feel. It made me feel embarrassing, disgusting and dirty. He was happy to sleep with me (when he wanted and on his terms) but god forbid but someone know about it. It made me feel sick. New philosphy: If you are embarrassed to be sleeping with me, then don't.

So Im on the train home. Rejected. Filled with self-loathing. Wondering how I got to this point - rejected by the man who stole my baby.

As with most things in my life - I chose to blame my mother.

I was talking to a friend earlier - My son has autism. My mum always screamed at me that i had autism. Did nothing about it - but diagnosed me herself, you know.Made it seem one of my many character flaws. As I see my son develop, i am pretty sure I have autism to a certain degree. I understand him so much better than i do 'normal' kids. I understand his distress at the world, need for routine and lack of desire for social interaction. And it is not that i just understand, I feel it. I am the same. I refer to myself as a social retard. I am so awkward in social situations. I hate leaving the house etc.

And I realised today that I was more in charge, in control and decisive about my life (and men!) when i was a a teenager than I am now. Now I could do with  mum.

If she wasnt such a psycho and my dad hadnt failed to protect me, I wouldnt have such a desire to be saved by a man now.

When I was a teenager, I had an opprtunity to lose my virginity to the boy I first loved. My mum wouldn't let me go see him.

So instead a bit later on in my teenage years, i started seeing a 25 year old man. Got pregnant to him. Was coerced into an abortion to save him jail time (the irony that he ended up in prison anyway leaves a sour taste in my mouth). Felt the immediate need to get pregnant again to replace my child. Ended up having my son at 18. Mum tried to steal him when he was 2 weeks old. So I ran away. Ended up pregnant with my daughter. The father goes to jail. Fast forward a few suicide attempts and a diagnosis of BPD, and i meet the baby stealer, get pregnant, have a baby, B.S earns his title.

Now if only - Mum had let me have sex with the guy I wanted to then maybe I wouldnt have lost my virginity to the wrong person. and had an abortion. And all the rest. Maybe I could have stayed at home. Gone to uni. Had a normal life. A life where my children arent scattered over the state. And i am left here with fuck all.

I knew what I wanted back then. I knew who I wanted to sleep with. I was in mother fucking control.

But now?! Im fucked.

Now I could use a mum (not my mum of course). Someone to talk to about my boy dramas. Someone to look after me. Someone to cry to.

I have a couple of mother-figure fb friends who i just adore. I wish they were my mum. :(

Im not usually one to look back.I dont even like to think about my mother. And i wouldnt wish my kids away. Especially my son. He needs me as much as I need him. But fuck. Maybe if she fucking loved me back then, I wouldnt be so fucked up now. And so desperate for someone to love me. Maybe if she let me fuck the guy i wanted to. This whole mother fucking thing wouldnt have fucking happened. Fuck you. You dumb stupid fucking cunt whore. I fucking hate you.

This didnt come out the way I want. I dont regeret my kids. I just hate the situation they and I are in.

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