Sunday, 18 December 2011


Breaking all my own rules again... This time with 48. No kissing. No sleepovers. That's how you get attached. Well i guess rules were made to be broken.

Before last night, he was like my best friend. One of the funniest people i have met - i have such a great love and appreciation for people who make me laugh. I have been able to tell him anything and share my adventures with him. He doesn't judge me and he just accepts me for me. He thinks Im rad just the way i am - that i don't need 'fixing'. But that unconditional acceptance is what does make me feel better.

I just had such a good night. I so needed it. Vodka, pizza, foxtel, 48. Best night.

He's just the best.

He has two kids the same age as Lucas and Bee. He gave me two Thomas trains that his son no longer plays with, for Lucas. One of them even blows steam. Im pretty excited and Im guessing Lucas will be so impressed he might spontaneously combust.

I can't wait to see him tomorrow and give it to him!

Im just really grateful to have someone as amazingly awesome as 48 in my life. Im grateful for having a night off and really relax. I feel better and refreshed. And as ready as i can be to deal with another week of dhs' shit!

Tuesday, 13 December 2011


Overall, today has been a good day.

I had a great meeting with my mental health case worker earlier in the day. She has been trying to contact the team leader at DHS for weeks now to no avail. And last Friday, at the care team meeting, he said that he had received no phone messages or emails from her. Strange that. She was not impressed at all. She said she was going down to DHS in person to speak to someone. I am so grateful to have such an understanding and supportive case worker. She is really going out of her way in contacting DHS because she thinks the kids should be home with me. She really doesn't have to chase up DHS at all - it is on them to contact her/psych services and follow up my mental health which hasn't been done at all.

After that visit, I sent an email to the Unit Manager at DHS 'reminding' them that it is not actually within the Department's authority under a CSO (the order my kids are on) to enrol my child/ren in a school and that decision can and will be made by made. I received a call in the afternoon from a worker that works alongside the Unit Manager that assured me that 'it was never the intention of the Department to override your guardianship rights'. Yes, yes, I didn't think so. I think the Department may need to remind a certain team leader of the scope of his authority under a CSO. You can try to intimidate me with talks of 'upper management' or guilt me by suggesting I am going against my son's 'best interests' - but that still doesn't give you the authority to enrol my son in school or to decide what school he will go to. So DHS are finally conceding that I will determine what school Lucas will go to and that the responsiblity of getting him to school everyday will rest with the Department. After all, I am just a crazy junkie whore. So a small victory - but at least the endless discussions about which school Lucas will attend are over (hopefully!) and DHS have formally agreed to fund the necessary assessment Lucas will need before he starts school. Getting there! Now we just need to actually work out a transport plan. The team leader was supposed to call me today which he didn't - no surprises there. But the lady I spoke today said she was going to make sure that he call me back as a matter of priority. So I will chase him up tomorrow afternoon.

The thing is, aside from my access visits with the kids, I don't actually do that much. So I have all the time in the freaking world to call and email DHS. And I think I might just keep doing that. I am sure 'upper management' do not want to hear from me every time I don't get a call back. I will make it my personal endeavour to make this team leader do his job. Because I can handle whatever DHS throw at me - cancel my meetings, call me mentally unstable, accuse me of prostituting myself, I really could not care less - but you harm my children and I can become very difficult to deal with. And the thing is, I don't get abusive or irrational, I just write strongly worded letters and remind them of the legislation that governs them, so they really can't ignore me. And if they do, as our team leader has hopefully learnt, I will just find someone higher up to complain to.

Downside of today, I got very jealous of something I really shouldn't have got jealous over. It was just such a yucky feeling. And I started my christmas shopping today which was good because you know, it is almost here. But I spent about $200 and still felt like I bought nothing. And I get this yucky feeling whenever I spend money. Ugh. But I am over that now :) The jealousy situation worked itself out and the shopping guilt passed.

Day 3 of not texting Shane. I still think about texting him a lot. But it is getting easier. It is definitely just a habit I need to break. The first day was definitely the hardest.

Tomorrow I see Lucas and Bee and Shane is supposed to bring Lincoln up as well. Must remember to hide these Christmas presents! And I have a meeting with my local member of parliament re DHS and an appointment with a lawyer later on tomorrow as well. Big day!

Overall, I am grateful that I have had a small win with DHS and that I had a good day. I am glad that I still have this fight in me and some way, some how, I can just keep going.

Monday, 12 December 2011


Today I am feeling good :)

I saw Lucas earlier this morning which was great. I love my boy! He is so funny. He just makes me so happy and proud. :)

After he went back to his carer, I bit the bullet, got all the paperwork together and enrolled Lucas in school. I just have to organise an immunisation certificate for him and get that to the school during the week.

I have also organised a meeting with an MP for Wednesday afternoon and sent my letter re DHS to the three ministers responsible for DHS in Victoria.

I am feeling tired - but proud of myself. It is the kind of tired you get from actually doing things!

This morning when i woke up, I didnt think I could do it. I didnt feel like I had enough sleep or time to recharge to keep on fighting this week. Because I know this week is just going to be another week of battling DHS. But I am doing it. I have enrolled Lucas in school, I will be chasing up DHS when they dont call me tomorrow LOL and I have appointments to keep this week about all this.

I am keeping on going even when I didnt think I could. And for that, I am grateful.

I feel exhausted but content that I am doing everything in my power to do what is in the best interests of my children.

Now I am going to eat something and watch some Breaking Bad - hopefully I will find the energy later on to change my sheets and do the dishes!


Feeling so slack with my blog and i don't like it lol.

It's almost 2am so ill make this quick.

Today Im grateful to have made another step in the journey towards getting over Shane.

I have been messaging him daily - checking in with Lincoln but also sharing our jokes and what's going on in my life. It was such a habit that i didn't even realise i was texting him everyday.

We aren't together. He's gotten over me. But Im still holding on to him any way i can - just to have him, even just a little, in my life.

Yesterday he was a jerk to me and i spiralled down rapidly. Then it hit me - like really hit me - yeah he's upsetting but Im giving him the power to do that. I still let him control my emotions.

Im very emotionally vulnerable and i should not give him control over my feelings. Getting control over my feelings is a work in progress. But removing the power from Shane to make or break me is urgent.

When he left, he was no longer part of my life. And since that day i have desperately held onto him. But today i made the choice. No more texting. Shane will no longer be a part of my life not out of necessity because he left but because i no longer want him to be.

If he doesn't want to be part of my life, then i need to stop wanting him to be.

So Im cutting him off. Going cold turkey. Just not texting. There will be contact between us re Lincoln. But Im going to try and organise the details of the next access in person during contact with Lincoln.

I can't make him love me or want to be with me. So i need to let him go. He chose not to be a part of my future so i need to leave him in the past.

I hate him for what he did but hate is just as strong as love. Im aiming for distance and indifference.

Just like with the older kids dad - i could hate him and yep sometimes i do. But i can't change the past - i can only protect my kids from him now.

It's the same with Shane i can't go back and undo the damage Shane has done to Lincoln. But in the future - the near future - i will rectify it.

So today Im moving on from Shane not because i have to but because i want to.

I have Lucas and Bee who love me and want to be home with me. That's what I've got to focus on.

So Im letting Shane go. Not having contact with him outside of access with Lincoln. Leaving feelings towards him in the past where they belong. My future is about me and my kids. That's what is important.

My first non Shane day in god knows how long and Im still here. Six months ago, i didn't think i could live without Shane. But i can and i will. Things will always get better and easier.

Saturday, 10 December 2011


I have had a crap week.

I have been fighting and fighting.

When Shane left, I had nothing left. I was completely empty and defeated.

Slowly I have been rebuilding some of that... well I guess, resilence in me. But I am nowhere near 'full'.

I had a little bit to give this week - battling DHS has taken all that and more. Seeing Lincoln and Shane today was more than i could take.

I came back home earlier than expected because I just couldnt handle it. I just wanted and felt i needed 24 hours of sleep. Just to check out of real life.

Of course as soon as I came home, I was wide awake and didnt feel like sleeping.

Against my better judgment I had a drink. I got halfway through and realised I was more depressed. Then something made me laugh.

Since that moment, I have had a few drinks and been online chatting with friends, laughing and sharing some of the best and most annoying songs of the 90s. It is not how I saw my night going. But omg, it has been entertaining.

So, to my gorgeous facebook friends and those who have entertained me tonight, i thank you with everything i have. because i didnt think i could go on. i was just 'spent'. i had nothing else to give.

but you made me smile, you made me laugh and you made me remember a much simpler time (the 90s when i thought everything was so hard!) Thank you. Every night I get through is a victory and i could not have done it tonight without you xoxox

Friday, 9 December 2011

I don't have enough time...

Feeling so under pressure. I don't have enough freaking time to do anything. I can't stand it when people ask what i do with my time if i don't have the kids. I don't fucking know but Im always doing something.

Im freaking tired. But i can't ever sleep. I don't have the time to sleep in or to be tired. Im always freaking exhausted or running on empty. I also don't have time to be hot or deal with hayfever.

I've got so much to do this weekend and i can't even think straight to get it all organised. I just want it to be over with and go back to bed.

Im so over this.

Wednesday, 7 December 2011


Wow, last night I crashed hard. I think all the emotional build up of the day just wore me down and I ended up a blubbering ball of tears. But I had a good sleep, woke up relatively recharged and ready to take on the world again :)

I had a great visit with Lucas and Bee today :) They showed up with some artwork from kinder which was just so gorgeous! Bee had done a painting of a christmas tree (which looked nothing like a christmas tree!) and Lucas had framed drawing of me. Absolutely love my kids artwork :) Makes me so happy and proud!! We went to the park and to McDonalds today. And they were really good and msotly happy today - sometimes the joint visits don't go so well because they are competing for attention. I love the way my kids genuinely crack me up. They are so funny and such little characters.

After the visit, I headed into town and bought myself some new make up as a treat, which I have been wanting to do for ages! I tried to call the team leader and unit manager at DHS to no avail. So I went down there, and asked for the name of the next person up. They sent down the unit manager's p.a who took my name and number for the team leader to call me back.

I am not abusive or agressive when dealing with DHS - despite how infuriating they are. I have just had enough of them slow walking me and dragging their heels when it comes to providing for my kids. So I have just become more persistent. I want to see my kids on Christmas. I want Lucas to be enrolled in the school I have chosen for him and a plan in place to ensure he gets there every day. I also want DHS to organise and fund the language assessment he needs and to provide him with a child psychologist.

These are not big demands - I know they are under-resourced and are just in shambles because of the industrial action, I get it, I really do. But it is not acceptable that my children be negatively affected or be disadvantaged because they don't have the resources or the workers are on strike.

So by some miracle, the team leader actually called me back and we have a meeting Friday morning. Squeaky wheel does get the grease. This team leader does not call ANYONE back lol!

So today I am thankful for a great visit with my gorgeous kids and grateful that my team leader actually found time in his hectic schedule to call me back and arrange a meeting. Most likely, no progress will be made at this meeting and Im not exactly holding my breath for any huge development. But a call-back is a small victory - and I am going to take it!

Bethany and I are going to make strawberry muffins tomorrow so I am looking forward to that :)

Im going to do the dishes now, have a shower and a bit later on, Mr McDonalds is coming to see me. All in all a successful day :D

Tuesday, 6 December 2011


Today I am very grateful that I have such an awesome mental health case manager. She is easy to talk and supportive. She is really understanding and knows I have areas I need to improve in, but has faith that I can do it. I first met her on the CAT Team when I was in crisis in June and now she works in case management. She has said that she can definitely see that I have progressed from back then and am capable of having my kids back home. So that makes me really happy.

Today's meeting with DHS was no-go. But it was breaking point for me. Not as in, I give up, I can't go on. But as in enough is enough. I stormed out of DHS and into legal aid, the community legal centre and to my local MP's office. Absolutely had enough. And instead of losing my shit at the DHS workers (which is not really even possible seeing as they dont even show up to the meetings!) I am putting that anger and that energy into taking this further.

I have got an appointment with my MP next Wednesday and an appointment with a lawyer,  as well.

I am really happy and pleased that I have got this burst of motivation. While at DHS, I just wanted to break down and cry. But I used that despair and hopelessness and turned it around and walked right over to legal aid.

This shouldn't even be a big deal. It is such a small issue. I want Lucas to go to a certain school that I feel is best able to cater to his needs. The foster carer is unwilling or unable to get him there each day. Now, seeing as he is on a Custody to the Secretary order which leaves major decisions to me (such as school choice) and the day to day care of the child to DHS, if there is something that the carer can't provide then it is on DHS to pick up the slack.

Now if DHS are unwilling and unable to provide this - and given that it is in the best interests of Lucas to go to this school - then I feel that DHS either get him to school each day or they send him home and I will do it.

It is getting beyond a joke. It is Decemeber and Lucas isn't even enrolled in school. Enough is enough.

I am also BEYOND grateful for everyone's support today when I was having a meltdown re DHS and for everyone that is has gone out of their way to read my letter and offer their advice and insight. I appreciate it so so much!!

Monday, 5 December 2011


Today I am feeling pretty average - not bad and nothing is especially 'wrong' - just not estastic with life right now.

I am feeling a bit tired from the weekend and a bit anxious about a meeting with DHS tomorrow. Also I think the reality that Christmas is coming is actually finally starting to set in - so I am facing the stress of buying presents and affording everything and actually trying to see my kids on Christmas Day.

I feel like there is so much I want and need to do - primarily enrol Lucas in school, get Christmas organised, write to my member of Parliament about all the ridiculousness that is DHS and talk to someone at Legal Aid and try to get family court orders in place so I can have Lincoln back.

It is all so much and I am so overwhelmed to the point of doing nothing.

But I did see Lucas today and I had a great time with my little buddy. He is so smart and cute and my God, he makes me laugh. He just makes me so happy and so proud. I just want the world for him! So I am grateful for that and I do like Monday visits cos our supervisor is really good too.

So with all the stress of DHS, family court, trying to get Lucas enrolled for school and the pressure that is Christmas - I am still grateful for my access with lucas today which went really well :)


Well technically it is the 5th by now!

Im just having one of those days today. Nothing majorly bad has happened but nothing has gone right lol. Everything today has been an epic fail.

Im grateful still because i actually have a really good friend in #48 - i genuinely enjoy hanging out with him. He makes me laugh and takes me as i am.

Im grateful for my awesome Facebook friends who i know i mention all the time but god knows where i would be without them and their ongoing support.

Im grateful that i get to see my Lucas tomorrow. Im a bit sad because Lincoln pretty much cried the whole time i visited him and isn't comforted by me and settled an hour after i left. That hurts a lot but Im trying to focus on looking forward to seeing Lucas tomorrow.

So there is crap and stress and general unpleasantness, but Im grateful that this is just one bad day. Things will get better. Tomorrow will be better. And above all else, i remind myself and Im grateful for the fact - this too shall pass.

Sunday, 4 December 2011

3/12/11 - catching up!!

I skipped a day and feel all out of whack!!

Stayed in Melbourne Friday night, saw baby Lincoln Saturday then stayed the night at #48's house last night.

I am having a pretty awesome weekend so far.

I am grateful to have my dad who i can hang out with and talk to about the drama that is my life! And to have him help out when he can. And for letting me crash on the couch every weekend i come down to see Lincoln.

Im grateful for my older sister who drove me out to see Lincoln then
Out to #48's house.

I had an awesome night with #48. Vodka, pizza, foxtel = awesome. And he's just so funny. And appreciates my sexual adventures and thinks Im awesome the way i am. I didn't think id actually make a friend in amongst all my conquests lol.

Sitting at narre warren station now. Hanging for a coffee!! Got a few things to do -including adding #52- to my list then Im heading to bendigo and spending the night with #51!

Busy but great weekend! :-)

Friday, 2 December 2011


Today I am hurting.

Last night I was a ridiculous roller coaster of emotion.

I have become way too attached to Mr McDonalds. And was crying because I missed him so much.

Then the next minute I was laughing so much I was in tears again because of something funny on the internet.

And then the next minute I was raging because Virgin are the most ridiculous mobile phone provider in the entire country and cannot provide simple reception or internet access.

It takes me til past 2am to get to sleep - not because I am not tired, I am more than ready to fall asleep - but my heart won't stop freaking racing because I miss Mr McDonalds so much and want him there beside me.

Then I have a dream Shane got a new girlfriend *heartbreak* and then I wake up way before I need to, because a lawn mower next door.

I cannot catch a freaking break and I just want some sleep. But I am constantly exhausted because it takes hours to fall asleep at night, have terrible dreams so I don't actually get restful sleep, then I wake up either cos I need to or some fuckwit decides now is a great time to do some early morning gardening.

I don't have kids to wake up to and I don't have anything to do til I head to Melbourne a bit later on but for gods sake, I just want to be able to function.

I miss Shane. I miss my kids. I miss Mr McDonalds. My heart is just aching. My heart is racing and I cannot relax. I'm sad or ragingly angry. I don't have any patience.

And I am thinking I have a UTI and seriously it is just the final straw. I have this ridiculous pain on my right side and I just cannot be bothered.

Looking back, there is nothing 'major' wrong - but it is heaps of little things, missing the ones I love and having an incomptent phone service provider - that is just sending my emotions into overdrive and I am already just exhausted.

So, not an entirely positive post from me this morning. And aside from being thankful that things aren't worse, I am not feeling very 'grateful' this morning. But I am going to try and look forward to the positives.

I am going to finish my cup of tea, I am going to have a shower, pack my things, head to Melbourne. I am going to have a smooth, peaceful train ride listening to music. And I am going to have a coffee date with my little sister which I am looking forward to. And then tomorrow I am going to see baby Lincoln.

Things will get better. And they will get better soon. Just keep swimming.

Thursday, 1 December 2011


With lots of Christmas cheer in the air with it being the first of the month, I feel rather unprepared and will continue to live in denial that Christmas in coming for as long as I can! So don't expect Christmas related posts from me!!

Today I am grateful that I woke up next to one of the sexiest men in the world - my Mr McDonalds. I made the mistake of falling in love with him a few weeks back - occupational hazard of sleeping around I guess, I am bound to slip up at one stage.

He is gorgeous, funny and as much as he resists, can be very sweet and lovely.

I'm in love with him. He isn't looking for a relationship - depsite how clearly awesome I am. So rather than focus on that, I will just enjoy that I got to have cuddles with him all night and woke up next to him this morning. And it truly was a great way to start my day.

Now I am just waiting for my Bethany to arrive for access <3