11/12/11

Feeling so slack with my blog and i don't like it lol.

It's almost 2am so ill make this quick.

Today Im grateful to have made another step in the journey towards getting over Shane.

I have been messaging him daily - checking in with Lincoln but also sharing our jokes and what's going on in my life. It was such a habit that i didn't even realise i was texting him everyday.

We aren't together. He's gotten over me. But Im still holding on to him any way i can - just to have him, even just a little, in my life.

Yesterday he was a jerk to me and i spiralled down rapidly. Then it hit me - like really hit me - yeah he's upsetting but Im giving him the power to do that. I still let him control my emotions.

Im very emotionally vulnerable and i should not give him control over my feelings. Getting control over my feelings is a work in progress. But removing the power from Shane to make or break me is urgent.

When he left, he was no longer part of my life. And since that day i have desperately held onto him. But today i made the choice. No more texting. Shane will no longer be a part of my life not out of necessity because he left but because i no longer want him to be.

If he doesn't want to be part of my life, then i need to stop wanting him to be.

So Im cutting him off. Going cold turkey. Just not texting. There will be contact between us re Lincoln. But Im going to try and organise the details of the next access in person during contact with Lincoln.

I can't make him love me or want to be with me. So i need to let him go. He chose not to be a part of my future so i need to leave him in the past.

I hate him for what he did but hate is just as strong as love. Im aiming for distance and indifference.

Just like with the older kids dad - i could hate him and yep sometimes i do. But i can't change the past - i can only protect my kids from him now.

It's the same with Shane i can't go back and undo the damage Shane has done to Lincoln. But in the future - the near future - i will rectify it.

So today Im moving on from Shane not because i have to but because i want to.

I have Lucas and Bee who love me and want to be home with me. That's what I've got to focus on.

So Im letting Shane go. Not having contact with him outside of access with Lincoln. Leaving feelings towards him in the past where they belong. My future is about me and my kids. That's what is important.

My first non Shane day in god knows how long and Im still here. Six months ago, i didn't think i could live without Shane. But i can and i will. Things will always get better and easier.