Thursday, 5 January 2012

Love junkie

My head is killing me. But I need to get this out. Otherwise I will just pick up the phone and call him again.

Im a self confessed love junkie. Growing up, I always imagined that someone would come save me from my family, marry me and love me forever. A childish fantasy I guess, fuelled by fairytales, love songs and pretty white dresses. But it kept me going.

But I cant let it go. Because love gives me hope. And flashes of happiness.

But what I continually do is make myself vulnerable. It is like gambling. I give someone my all - cos the pay off could be wonderful. They could love me, be with me, make me happy and then I have everything i want in life. If Im in love, im happy. And if im happy, Im functioning and can get my kids back. But it never pays off. And giving someone the power to make you happy, also gives them the power to make you sad.

And that is where I am at now.

I have this insight. But at the moment, I cant seem to change. I know what I am doing. I see the cycle I am stuck in. But I just can't get the same fulfilment from anything else.

I want so desperately to be happy. And loved. And to have my kids back. I just cant give up on the notion that somewhere out there is the person that i need to love me, look after me and finally make me happy.

I fear I will live my life waiting to be happy - in this endless persuit of happiness - and then wake up one day and realise that is what I have spent my life doing.

I know I need to regain control over my emotions but at the moment I cant. The highs are too good. But the lows are too bad.

I love 48. He makes me beyond happy. He is just so awesome. I want to be with him. Im soaring.

Does he want me? No. Crashing.

Rejection. Panic. All drive him further away.

I am covering up the pain of Shane leaving by just finding someone to fill the void. If I love someone else, Shane leaving doesn't matter - not having Shane doesn't hurt so much. But then the new guy always leaves, always rejects me. And then it's all over.

I have so much advice for fellow BPD sufferers. And look, I know what I should do. I need to do positive things for myself, nurture myself when I feel like punishing myself. I need to find fulfilment and happiness in my own life.

But I am not there yet.

I am trying with all my might to not pick up that phone; to not message him again. He does not want to be with me. Me ringing him; trying to convince him will not change that. It will make it worse. But I am self-destructive and I have no self-control.

Rejection makes me hate myself. It makes me angry at myself. It makes my world fall apart when it really shouldn't.

My head hurts. I should just go to bed. Sometimes, I really hate being me.

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