Today I am grateful for my son. Lucas is five years old and has autism. I want to try and avoid sounding cliche but he truly is a miracle and a blessing. I was coerced into having an abortion when I was 15 years old - something that always (and still does) haunt me. I wanted my baby back the second I woke up from the procedure. I fell pregnant with Lucas in the first month I was 'allowed' to conceive. I have never in my life experienced a moment of true bliss like I did when I got my positive pregnancy test. It was pure joy and ecstacy. Of course I came down from that 'high' and had to face that I was pregnant at 17, in year 12 to a man who my parents hated.
A lot of teenagers may freak out at discovering they were pregnant at such an age and at such a time in their life, but for me, it felt like I had been holding my breath for two years and I could finally exhale. I could finally relax, let go of that huge, overwhelming desire to have my baby back and then focus on my exams and study. By the time my exams started, I was suffering morning sickness. I was throwing up every morning before going to exams that lasted up to three hours. The whole time I was starving hungry and praying I wouldn't through up during my exams. My ENTER score (which is called something totally different now) was 95.35. I studied hard and put in lots of effort but there is no way I could have focused or achieved that without my little Lucas growing in my belly.
I am not going to recap his whole life and all the joy he has brought me but he does bring me so much happiness and pride. And happiness especially with my disorder is something very rare for me to experience.
My mother often yelled at me that I had autism because I have a few of the traits but never did anything about it.
Lucas had a speech delay when he was younger and has shown more and more austistic traits as he has grown up.
It has been hard to deal with at times, especially as he is a very tense and stressed out little tyke. But I get him. I get that the world is overwhelming, scary and hard to deal with. I want to help him - not fix him. I want to prepare his kinder, his school, his world for him - rather than force him to adapt to an environment he can't handle.
Having a child with a diagnosis that I may possibly share, has deepened our connection and bond. I feel so close to him. The love, the bond, the understanding I have with him runs so deep.
He is a little genius. He is so smart and so clever. And it is all him. And I am so proud.
He is so funny. He makes me laugh.
I love his kisses, cuddles and snuggles.
He was the best baby when he was first born. And I honestly think he saved my life.
I am truly grateful to have Lucas to call my own. He has added to my life in a way I never thought possible. To have the bond and connection we have, is ... I don't even know the words anymore. But I feel truly lucky.
I love him. I want the best for him. I want the world to see how clever he is and how much potential he has. He truly is an amazing little dude. And I am grateful that he is my son.
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